Melbourne Mum http://melbournemum.com Parenting with a humorous (and geeky) twist | Craft-free zone Wed, 02 Sep 2015 22:11:12 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.4.14 I can’t imagine you as a… http://melbournemum.com/2014/12/02/cant-imagine/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/12/02/cant-imagine/#comments Tue, 02 Dec 2014 13:48:29 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=11292 Me: Hey mum, I’m going back to uni next year! Mum: Oh! What are you studying? Me: [knowing pause] Finish this sentence: “Kim, I can’t imagine you as a….” Mum: Not nursing! I knew that my mum would get it in 0.000004 seconds. She might be in her 70s but she is onto it. Of course, the […]

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Me: Hey mum, I’m going back to uni next year!

Mum: Oh! What are you studying?

Me: [knowing pause] Finish this sentence: “Kim, I can’t imagine you as a….”

Mum: Not nursing!

nurse comic

I knew that my mum would get it in 0.000004 seconds. She might be in her 70s but she is onto it. Of course, the fact that she’s in her 70s means she has a radically out-dated idea of what a nurse is and actually does (which is kinda weird, since she used to be a scientist herself). She doesn’t see me as anyones’s “lapdog” or “servant”, which on one hand is great that she thinks that, but on the other hand that’s not what nursing is about. And let’s face it, I am already the servant to two feisty daughters.

I tossed up between nursing and paramedicine for quite a while. And everyone I spoke to who is or had been a paramedic themselves said the same thing:

Do nursing first. Then do a year of paramedics on top of that if you want (and if you’re not thoroughly rooted). Instant employability. Nurse. Paramedic. You get both. Nursing is a registered profession whereas paramedics is not (yet). They’re working to change that, but for the time being, I’m a fan of the double dip.

And really, the two professions are very similar. Paramedics is grittier and dirtier, but you get to see a lot of the same stuff as a nurse. Ultimately, it’s about being useful to others and studying medical science. Anatomy. Pathophysiology. Biology. Learning how to inject shit into people’s bodies. Hopefully good shit. And then there’s the actual shit, the actual vomit, the actual blood and bodily secretions that patients will serve to you on a human platter through no fault of their own.

I got accepted into nursing two days after sitting the entrance exam. I am excited. Stoked, actually. Part-time, so I can still swan around and be a volunteer medic while I study and perhaps actually continue my writing/editing and make a showing of being a parent as well.

I know, I can hear you all rolling around the floor in paroxysms of “you wish, you deluded creature”. I never said 2015 wouldn’t be busy. I just hope I manage to stay sane.

Optimism, now.

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Who is this person? http://melbournemum.com/2014/11/17/person/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/11/17/person/#comments Sun, 16 Nov 2014 20:40:45 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=11249 Some of you may have caught up with my thoughts recently on a huge career change into nursing/paramedicine. If you missed it, don’t worry, I’ll probably bore you senseless with the contents of my medical brain a little more before the year is out. For people who know me really well, the career about-face doesn’t come as […]

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Gardening

It’s a rhetorical question, yes?

Some of you may have caught up with my thoughts recently on a huge career change into nursing/paramedicine. If you missed it, don’t worry, I’ll probably bore you senseless with the contents of my medical brain a little more before the year is out. For people who know me really well, the career about-face doesn’t come as that much of a surprise (because truly, the epiphany should have come several years ago), but others are flummoxed.

“I can’t see you as a nurse,” or

“You know paramedics see dead people, right?”

or simply,

“Huh?”

Interestingly the same people who can’t see me as a nurse can see me as a paramedic, but the two are inextricably linked (why else would you be able to do a double degree in them both, hmmmmm?) so it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch, should it? Should it?

Anyway, what flummoxes me personally is not my career change, but my inexplicable disappearance into our garden.

Let me start by saying I do have a recessive gardening gene, unlike craft, for which I have no gene whatsoever on my DNA. None. But I’ve gone a little too bonkers on compost and earthworms. Not in a radical “let’s permaculture the f*ck out of this garden”, more like a “let’s make it as sustainable (i.e. low maintenance) as we can so I don’t have to think about it once I lose interest.” Part of the motivation was walking outside and thinking, “Oh my freaking god, this backyard is an uninspiring DISGRACE.” Embarrassment and shame tend to get me moving on these things.

I’ve always had a hankering to hang shit off old wooden ladders. It must be something about the height of these things, or the fact I live in the inner-north and am thus predisposed to hipster wankery, I don’t know, but I’ve always wanted one so I went and bought one from an old lady. It’s sweet. I f*cking love it. And then I went all commando at Ceres. Oh wait, no, not that kind of commando, although it is an earthy kind of place so they probably wouldn’t have minded too much.

How good is Ceres Nursery, though (not sponsored, yo)? I can’t rate it highly enough. Granted, they have permacultured the hell out of the place (what is permaculture anyway, I just don’t understand it. It’s like physics for my brain (I don’t understand physics), only involving soil and “zones”) but I drained them dry. I went fully native.

Seriously, I bought all Australian natives. They’re low maintenance, right? And they’re beautiful. Stunning. Why I once bothered with ferns I don’t know. I was always going to kill those ferns. Ferns are impossible.

So I’m getting dirty. Not in an Eminem kind of way, although that would be acceptable, but dirty in a goddamn-how-good-is-this-black-rotting-food-coming-out-the-bottom-of-the-wormies-bin shit? Yeah, it’s good. I’m getting in touch with my inner Taurus, which doesn’t get much airing these days. I’ve even set up a garden HDU (High Dependency Unit) for plants I’ve already killed. Plants I’m convinced I can nurse back to health. What kind of person thinks that? What part of “this plant is dead, dude” am I not understanding?

So yeah, I don’t recognise myself. I’ve also started doing algebra problems for fun. I’ve never understood algebra so figured it was about time I learnt.

It’s never too late, right?

And I may not recognise myself, but this strange new person is pretty cool.

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I Don’t Want to Live an Ordinary Life Part II http://melbournemum.com/2014/10/28/dont-want-live-ordinary-life-part-ii/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/10/28/dont-want-live-ordinary-life-part-ii/#comments Mon, 27 Oct 2014 20:08:23 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=11199 Have you ever made a significant career change in your 30s or 40s? I mean, a motherflipping DRASTIC change that is risky and requires going back to Uni and then doing shitkicking clinical work (indisputably involving vomit and bodily fluids) and then maybe, just maybe you’ll get to do the thing you’re pretty sure you will love? Well, […]

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Paramedics

Someone call the Whambulance!

Have you ever made a significant career change in your 30s or 40s? I mean, a motherflipping DRASTIC change that is risky and requires going back to Uni and then doing shitkicking clinical work (indisputably involving vomit and bodily fluids) and then maybe, just maybe you’ll get to do the thing you’re pretty sure you will love?

Well, that’s where my head is at right now.

Lately, I’ve been caught up in a spiral of feeling compelled to help others and balancing that with the need to pay bills whilst using the skills I already have. Feeling like I missed my calling 10 years ago, feeling like a privileged white woman who wants to make a freaking difference but not knowing exactly how to do that. But then feeling like a selfish arsehole because I am a mother and my kids need me to be around, not disappearing in a defibrillator and a text book.

The most obvious choice to me is paramedicine—it’s probably the discipline that most suits my personality, but essentially it’s about contributing to the community, to people, to making people’s lives better. It’s that simple. And yet getting there is going to take an incredible amount of effort and hard work. I don’t mind hard work, but it’s a huge mental leap to commit to something I’m pretty sure I’ll love, but won’t know for sure until I actually do it. It’s a risk, but then, nothing worth doing is without risks. The thought of doing paramedicine (or its cousin, nursing) excites me, it puts a smile on my face. My instinct tells me that this is absolutely the right decision for me. But there are sacrifices. Family, finances, the future.

I regret not doing this ten years ago before I had kids, but I’m not sure that I would have been ready ten years ago. Irony. Not lost.

Having worked in human resources for the better part of eight years, I have a few people skills. Anyone who has talked to me for a millisecond knows I love people and making them laugh, but what I really want to do is help them in a practical/health sense, not help corporates make more money than they really need. The thought of going back into a corporate HR job to “make money for the man” depresses the shit out of me. It chips away at my soul whenever I think about it. HR doesn’t challenge me and it doesn’t fulfil me.  I am a woman without bullshit. I tell it like it is. HR needs more people like me, but paradoxically HR is also not particularly tolerant of people like me. I do love the editorial/social media path I’ve gone down since HR, but it’s unreliable, work can be thin on the ground and I still don’t feel that it is “making a difference”. I am compassionate, I am fit, I love medical science. I like being active. I love helping people. This is right for me.

But then that infernal devil’s advocate says, “You are kidding yourself that you can be a paramedic. Just do what you’ve always done for a job, you can volunteer with the SES, Ambulance or MFB.” But I can’t do that. I can’t go back to sitting behind a desk all day, in a job that is well-paid but empty. I’m painfully aware that ambos are overworked, underpaid, have little life balance and the bureaucracy in the department is beyond a joke. But then I talk to paramedics who feel blessed that they have the opportunity to do their job in spite of all that. Loving what you do. Doesn’t everyone want that?

My problem? I’ve never been a person who does things by halves. When I feel dissatisfied, I make changes.

And then there is writing and my book. My brain is waging a three-way war. Sparring between the creativity of writing, something I’m dearly passionate about (as you all know), the status quo of what I’m doing at the moment, and the noisiest part of my brain which is helping save lives in a practical sense—paradoxically anti-creative in a way. Protocol-driven. Science based. I love both science and writing (and have been able to indulge my love of medical science in my book anyway). I don’t know which one I want more.

I know writing makes me special. It makes me less than ordinary and that is important to me. But fuck man, paramedics save lives, that is paranormally special. Writing is my power but I don’t know if it’s enough.

I can touch lives with my writing, but I can’t save them.

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10 TV Quotes You Should Have in Your Comeback Arsenal http://melbournemum.com/2014/09/23/10-tv-quotes-comebacks/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/09/23/10-tv-quotes-comebacks/#comments Tue, 23 Sep 2014 00:50:11 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=11158 To celebrate the upcoming 2014/15 TV season, I’ve put together some quality quotes from current shows that every self respecting human (who doesn’t mind dropping the occasional f*bomb) should have in their Comeback Arsenal. Most of these you can’t use on your kids of course (you can find those here), but you can use them as retorts […]

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"I'm terribly sorry, but go f*ck yourself."

“I’m terribly sorry, but go f*ck yourself.”

To celebrate the upcoming 2014/15 TV season, I’ve put together some quality quotes from current shows that every self respecting human (who doesn’t mind dropping the occasional f*bomb) should have in their Comeback Arsenal.

Most of these you can’t use on your kids of course (you can find those here), but you can use them as retorts for the special things arseholes say or do to you. So really, this should be called the Arsehole Arsenal. Or something. Some of these are contextual, some are panaceas and can be used in pretty much any situation.

Use them sparingly. Or not. And if you don’t give me a call, won’t you, so I can come and watch.

  1. “I’m terribly sorry, but go fuck yourself.”Sgt. John Porter, Strike Back. Perhaps my favourite all-round comeback. Doesn’t hurt that it’s said by a complete hottie either. That always seems to make these things more palatable.
  2. “You betrayed me? No one in the history of torture’s been tortured with torture like the torture you’ll be tortured with.”Crowley, Supernatural
  3. “You want to kill me, you’re going to have to do better than that wrench.”Rick, The Walking Dead. But judging by Rick’s state at the end of Season 4, a shower and a shave might.
  4. “You speak idiot?”Sherlock, Elementary
  5. “You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And Douchebags.”Dean, Supernatural
  6. “Hodor?”Hodor, Game of Thrones. For those special occasions where argument with an arsehole is futile.
  7. “It’s not very smart to piss off a guy who thinks about killing people for a living.”Will, Hannibal
  8. “Where in F*cktopia are you?”Deb Morgan, Dexter. OK, cheating as Dexter’s not been renewed, but Debra Morgan’s comebacks are the best in TV history EVER. You can quote me on that.
  9. “Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.”Sherlock, Sherlock. Because no Top 10 list could possibly be complete without sociopathic crumpet.
  10. “Shut up. Everybody shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shutitty up,up, up!”Doctor Who, Doctor Who.

Do you have a favourite TV comeback?

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An Open Letter to Clare Bowditch http://melbournemum.com/2014/07/22/open-letter-clare-bowditch/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/07/22/open-letter-clare-bowditch/#comments Mon, 21 Jul 2014 21:14:29 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=11020 Dear Clare, Last August, your keynote at the Problogger Event had a profound effect on me. You talked passionately about the pursuit of making our lives extraordinary. You talked about not being one thing, but starting with something. I am one of the Great Undeciders. I am a creative, but that creativity comes in many […]

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Clare Bowditch

Clare Bowditch at 2013 Problogger Event, singing “Amazing Life”.

Dear Clare,

Last August, your keynote at the Problogger Event had a profound effect on me. You talked passionately about the pursuit of making our lives extraordinary. You talked about not being one thing, but starting with something.

I am one of the Great Undeciders. I am a creative, but that creativity comes in many forms, and gives rise to many urges. Do I want to write, and what does that look like? Novels? Plays? Screenplays? Do I want to sing? Do I want to go back to the theatre? Do I want to drive myself insane with wanting to be everything all at once?

Well, I was on a precipice last August when I attended Problogger (figuratively speaking, you understand). I was frustrated and conflicted, wondering what my legacy was going to be, what kind of creative role model I was presenting for my kids (right now my three year old is belting out “Let it Go” in our lounge room, so I’m guessing 1) their creative minds are going to be OK and 2) the ear worm in my brain may just eat me alive before I finish this letter).

You sang us your beautiful song, “Amazing Life” and the lyrics, “You don’t have to be one thing, but you have to start with something” ignited something in my brain back then, a fire I knew was there, but had let atrophy for 20 years. I’d started many novels, fuelled with nothing more than an idea and they had all died a few chapters in.

But after your keynote last year, I went back to my hotel room and said,

“Fuck it, yo, I’m going to do this. I’m going to WRITE THAT NOVEL.”

And you know, last Friday I printed the whole bloody thing out, 94,238 words of the best (and yet darkest) adventure I’ve had in my life. The story has been told and I finally finished the project I wanted to complete 20 years ago. This is a novel I actually couldn’t have written 20 years ago (the editing stage may take another 20 years though!) I’ve discovered my passion, how I want to leave my legacy on the world.

I didn’t realise the significance of finishing the story on Friday, until you sang “Amazing Life” at your Winter Secrets Concert at the Corner that very night and I realised I have come full circle. It made me incredibly emotional to hear that song, to have the epiphany that I’ve only heard that song twice in my life and it signified the beginning and ending of this incredible adventure which is, in many ways, just beginning.

Perhaps it shouldn’t be the case that a stranger speaks a truth that crystallises the things that you know deep down, but that is exactly what happened to me last August.

♡ Kimberley

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Why I Should Not Be Let Loose At Oz Comic Con http://melbournemum.com/2014/07/07/oz-comic-con/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/07/07/oz-comic-con/#comments Sun, 06 Jul 2014 20:19:53 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=10875 I first became aware that there was such a thing as Comic Con (aka Comics Convention) back in 2010, when I happened across Joshua Jackson taking off Comic Con with his hilarious Paceycon. Comic Con is a mega geekfest of everything comic and pop-culture—The Walking Dead, Marvel, X-Men, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Star Wars, Game of […]

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I first became aware that there was such a thing as Comic Con (aka Comics Convention) back in 2010, when I happened across Joshua Jackson taking off Comic Con with his hilarious Paceycon.

Comic Con is a mega geekfest of everything comic and pop-culture—The Walking Dead, Marvel, X-Men, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Star Wars, Game of Thrones, Neil Gaiman, Japanese manga etc. Admittedly, I’m a fairly soft-core geek/nerd, more of a TV & movie pop-culturalist (because I’m posh, too) than a Marvel or Cosplay fan but Comic Con is everything I love about everything.

Australia has their own version— Oz Comic Con, and whilst it might not attract the same huge names as the San Diego original (the Adelaide leg excepted, sniff), it is an incredible weekend. People come here and leave their inhibitions at the door. There is fun, there is pop-culture and geekery, there is spectacular artistry and design, and there are touchables. Actually, did I just say that? Touchables? Cough, sorry, must be all the excess blood that’s gone to my head.

Which brings me to my first segue (and apology for disgraceful behaviour) by confessing that the following photo was taken at the end of the day, I was thoroughly shattered and they were piping arse-slapping porn music into the photo booths. What was I meant to do? Act normally?

Actually, this kind of is normally for me.

Daniel Portman / Podrick Payne

It all makes sense to me now.

The queue for Daniel Portman (that’s the bloke in the above photo in case you didn’t know—he plays Podrick in Game of Thrones who is totally getting together with Brienne of Tarth in season 6, but anyhoo) was a third as long as the one for Kristiaan (Hodor). I’m sure Kristiaan is a very nice man, but ummmmmm, hot boy with delightful Scottish accent? Not rocket science, people.

And yes, my hand just suddenly appeared on Daniel’s man chest. Apparently my subconscious wanted to know what the fuss was all about. Any more questions?

OCC Building

The Royal Exhibition Building may be a freaking maze, but it’s a beautiful freaking maze.

They really should rename #ozcomiccon, #ozqueuecon, because that’s what you do an awful lot of at these things—queueing. It’s not the organiser’s fault—there are literally thousands of geeky punters wanting a piece of everyone and everything. Ahem, one of them was me, because Game of Thrones, Sherlock and the Walking Dead.

OCC Arthur Darvill panel

Some people really wanted to see Arthur Darvill.

Arthur Darvill / Rory from Doctor Who

I mean, really wanted to see Arthur Darvill.

Arthur Darvill (Rory in Doctor Who) was a delight, the kind of bloke you could see yourself popping down to the local pub with for a pint. Or a cup of tea. Judging by that aran sweater, I’m voting the latter.

I was tempted by the Cumberswag but exercised admirable restraint.

I was tempted by the merchandise, but exercised admirable restraint.

OCC Weeping Angel

Admirable restraint wasn’t such a hotly contested thing for others.

Tom Skerritt's panel was so inspirational I may have had bits of water in the corner of my eyes.

Tom Skerritt panel

I am a bit of a Tom Skerritt fangirl (Alien is seminal, dude) and his panel was so inspiring, with all the remarkable perspectives of an 80 year old having had an incredible career. Tom talked about how we are all storytellers, that our stories are unique and that life is all about taking risks and seizing on opportunities. I may have been one of 300 people at the panel, but he talks to the crowd as if he is talking directly to you, which is an exceptional talent. I may have ended up with some of those pesky wet things in the corner of my eyes by the end.

This was me before I felt up a celeb. I don't look so scary now, do I?

This is me before I felt up a celeb and wept during a panel. I don’t look so scary now, do I?

Kids

You’ve got to start them early, yes?

I would probably bring a particularly hardcore 8 year old geek/game fan to Oz Comic Con, but much of the content and merchandise was fairly adult. I did see plenty of parents with their kids here,who seemed to be having a brilliant time, I’m just not sure I’d do the same. Plus, queues. Unless you have a particularly patient child, queues are a special kind of hell to be endured.

Thanks for the wonderful day, Oz Comic Con. I'll be back.

Gothic backdrop

Thanks for the wonderful day, Oz Comic Con. I’ll be back. No wait, different convention.

Disclaimer: I was a media guest of the Melbourne leg of Oz Comic Con.

 

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Tales from the Folks’ Zone http://melbournemum.com/2014/06/09/childhood-story-folks-zone/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/06/09/childhood-story-folks-zone/#comments Sun, 08 Jun 2014 22:25:00 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=10615 Warning: this post involves alcohol and toddlers (not my own alcohol and not my own toddlers). If you are teetotal or find the very idea unsavoury, look away. Look away now. Everyone has them. A story about you from your childhood that your parents relish. A story that is brought out at dinner parties or […]

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Warning: this post involves alcohol and toddlers (not my own alcohol and not my own toddlers). If you are teetotal or find the very idea unsavoury, look away. Look away now.

Everyone has them. A story about you from your childhood that your parents relish. A story that is brought out at dinner parties or random social events. A story that has long ago stopped embarrassing you and become part of your childhood landscape.

My mum’s favourite story puts me in a dubious light, but her even more so. I guess you could say embarrassment runs both ways…

Chumps

These junior parties are for CHUMPS.

When I was about 3.5 years old, I accompanied my parents to a Christening. My little brother was about one year old, so mum had her hands full—of both my little brother and a celebratory Pimms. As you do. It was a christening after all, and the 70s.

My second cousin, let’s call her “Shona”* and I were hanging out, chewing the fat. Shona was about a year older than me and as the christening party progressed, we started to get a little thirsty. Our parents were occupied, so we began helping ourselves to the dregs of all the glasses on the tables, full of god knows what. Apparently, I got myself an early taste for the liquor, because we collectively polished off everyone’s drinks and ended up in a heap on the floor, eyes rolling out of our heads, giggling stupidly.

One of the pastors interrupted my mum and said,

“Pam, I think your daughter has had too much to drink.”

Mortified, mum grabbed me from under the table and took me home, cutting our presence at the party short.

Demonstrating an early predilection for being able to hold my liquor, I apparently wasn’t sick, just fell asleep in the car on the way home.

*Shona is her real name. I have no need to protect the guilty.

What is your parents’ favourite story about you from your childhood?

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5 more things my parents said that I swore I’d never say… http://melbournemum.com/2014/05/05/10-more-things-my-parents-said-when-i-was-a-kid/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/05/05/10-more-things-my-parents-said-when-i-was-a-kid/#comments Sun, 04 May 2014 21:51:58 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=7143 What I remember most about my dad in the 70s and 80s were his sayings—taken straight out of a 1930s pithy (and goofy) playbook—that he himself had inherited from his parents before him. The thing is, I use so many of them with my kids in 2014. Some of them are a bit smutty and irreverent, […]

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What I remember most about my dad in the 70s and 80s were his sayings—taken straight out of a 1930s pithy (and goofy) playbook—that he himself had inherited from his parents before him.

The thing is, I use so many of them with my kids in 2014. Some of them are a bit smutty and irreverent, some cheekily descriptive, and most of them silly. They will be handed down to my own kids in that unwilling way that the tattoo of language can’t be easily scrubbed.

  1. You’ll get square eyes sitting so close to that TV. Yeah, yeah, enough with the LSD already, dad.
  2. Knock it off! I said this to the girls just yesterday. Their constant bickering throws me back to my own childhood of pulled hair, scratch fights and today’s revelation that Karma really is a Bitch.
  3. Slow as a wet weekend. Every morning is a wet weekend in our house, which takes the pith out of the metaphor, but sh*t happens.
  4. Be there in a jiffy. Every time I see a bottle of Jif (not sponsored. please) I think of this saying. The most ironic of musings, considering my use of Jif is rarely expedient.
  5. Has the Cat got your Tongue? Cat? Cat? What Cat? Where? The downside of saying this to my kids is that they remind me we don’t have a Cat and Canwegetonepleasepleasepleasepleaseprettypleasewithsugarontop?

Need some more Baby Boomer Wisdom from my Dad (and let’s face it, who doesn’t, this early on a Monday morning)?

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10 Things My Kids Have Taught Me http://melbournemum.com/2014/04/28/10-things-my-kids-have-taught-me/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/04/28/10-things-my-kids-have-taught-me/#comments Sun, 27 Apr 2014 21:02:16 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=10073 Today’s #laughlink is brought to you by a witchypoo, a rock star and a passionate Geelong Supporter. No wait, make that a Hawthorn supporter. Or is that a…no? Oh, I give up. 1. It isn’t the end of the world if your child barracks for a different footy team. It may be an inauspicious omen for […]

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Today’s #laughlink is brought to you by a witchypoo, a rock star and a passionate Geelong Supporter. No wait, make that a Hawthorn supporter. Or is that a…no? Oh, I give up.

1. It isn’t the end of the world if your child barracks for a different footy team.

It may be an inauspicious omen for the zombie apocalypse, but not officially the end of the world.

2. Nothing is sacred.

If your daughter wakes up in the morning, sniffs you and says, “you smell”, you probably do. And there’s no hiding from it.

3. Putting salt and pepper in the water you put your lost teeth into apparently means more cashola from the Tooth Fairy.

I’m thinking this also might work for my dentures when I’m in my 90s. Pay it forward, kiddies, pay it forward.

4. Just because it’s freezing outside, doesn’t mean you can’t wear only a singlet, a nappy and some gum boots.

5. Halloween is not just a cool John Carpenter film from the 80s.

We never really celebrated Halloween before the kids came along, but the way they’ve embraced ugly-pretty has to be seen to be believed.

6. Every house should be sold with three washing machines, two dishwashers and a dumb waiter.

A maid would be nice, too.

7. Every song about sleep (and not getting any) was written by kids about kids.

When people told me to lap up my sleep before I had kids, I laughed. I scoffed, thinking “how hard could it be?” 8 years later I’m still a para-insomniac, the residue from years of not getting quite enough sleep. Sleep like a baby, MY ARSE. They’re feeding us LIES, people. Don’t give the children a violin and ask them to compose a lullaby, ever. EVER!

8. It’s not just babies and old people who have weak pelvic floors.

9. Even when you don’t believe in yourself, your kids will always believe in you.

It’s the unfailing awe of their parents—that we are the most inspiring and capable people on the planet. I’ve heard this stage lasts until your kids turn roughly 12, then it all falls to shit and you go from knowing everything to knowing nothing (blind faith resurfaces sometime in their 30s I think, if you play your cards right).

10. You’ll never (ever) be as big a rock star as you can be in your own lounge room.

My girls and I love a good rock-out in the living room. We channel what can only be described as Lorde meets Eminem meets Thom Yorke and no-one can beat our moves. No-one! NO-ONE M*THAF*CKAS*!

* Pardon my french, but I don’t mean you, of course.

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10 More Shakespeare Quotes you Can Use on Your Kids http://melbournemum.com/2014/04/24/10-more-shakespeare-quotes-you-can-use-on-your-kids/ http://melbournemum.com/2014/04/24/10-more-shakespeare-quotes-you-can-use-on-your-kids/#comments Wed, 23 Apr 2014 22:03:26 +0000 http://melbournemum.com/?p=10137 Did you know Shakespeare turns 450 today! I know right, if he were a zombie, that’s an awful lot of slow-moving carrion to get through. I’m a huge Shakespeare fan. In my theatre days, I have to admit a particular penchant for playing such characters as Hecate and Lady Macbeth—you know, the classically mad ones […]

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Image credit: Huffington Post UK

Image credit: Huffington Post UK

Did you know Shakespeare turns 450 today! I know right, if he were a zombie, that’s an awful lot of slow-moving carrion to get through.

I’m a huge Shakespeare fan. In my theatre days, I have to admit a particular penchant for playing such characters as Hecate and Lady Macbeth—you know, the classically mad ones (with a side serve of witchypoo). This is a skill I’ve certainly put to good use as a parent.

In truth, no-one really knows the date Shakespeare was born. He was baptised on the 23rd April 1564, so that’s his generally accepted birth date. He had three kids and probably used some, if not all, of these pearlers of Shakespearean wisdom on them.

  1. On listening to your kid rabbit on for 10 minutes about the new Alice Miranda book but not really saying anything—Brevity is the soul of wit—Hamlet. 
  2. On your kid whinging, “but whhhhhyyyyy”—Every why hath a wherefore—Comedy of Errors
  3. On your kid swearing black and blue that they “will make my bed tomorrow”—Action is eloquence—Coriolanus
  4. On finding a festy chocolate gold coin stuffed between two couch cushions—All that glisters is not gold—The Merchant of Venice
  5. On discouraging your kids from ever having a love life—Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps—Much Ado About Nothing.
  6. Same as #1, but with slightly more esotericism—Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice—Hamlet
  7. On the fundamentals of growing up to be a functioning adult—This above all: to thine own self be true—Hamlet
  8. On your kids moaning that they wanted a rabbit-shaped easter egg, not an egg shaped one—How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child—King Lear
  9. On your kid missing the school bell for the 5th time that week—Delays have dangerous ends—Henry VI Pt. I (my personal fave play!)

But wait, there’s more! You didn’t think I’d let you off an Elizabethan dramaturgical lesson that easily did you? If you like these, go check out my original list—10 Shakespeare Quotes you can Use on your Kids.

That’s all, or to quote Shakespeare—”All’s Well that Ends Well”.

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