- On changing a nappy – “Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior? – Mulder (Squeeze, Season 1)
- On being caught out in a lie by your kids – “ I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation.” – Mulder (Shadows, S1)
- On talking to kids about religion – “You know, they say when you talk to God it’s prayer, but when God talks to you, it’s schizophrenia.” – Mulder (All Souls, S5)
- On kids making their own bed, then hitting you up for pocket money – “Apparently miracles don’t come cheap.” – Scully (Miracle Man, S1)
- On kids demanding to use the iPhone – “If you had to do without a cell phone for two minutes, you’d lapse into catatonic schizophrenia.” – Scully (Home, S4)
- On kids not doing what you ask – “I want you to do me a favor. It’s not negotiable. Either you do it or I kill you. You understand?” – Scully (Triangle, S6)
- On kids trying to shift blame – “Don’t lay this off on me, you sneaky son of a bitch, you pulled me into this situation because you didn’t have the courage to reveal the truth yourself.” – Mulder (Wetwired, S3)
- On kids wanting to know about their ancestors – “Aside from the need for corrective lenses and the tendency to be abducted by extraterrestrials involved in an international governmental conspiracy, the Mulder family passes genetic muster.” – Mulder (Home, S4)
- On kids declaring they wish they had a different mum – “You’re in no position to question the terms of our arrangement.” – Cigarette Smoking Man (Zero Sum, S4)
- On talking to kids about stranger danger – “Trust no-one” – Mulder (Take your pick)
- Surf YouTube for cool science experiments like the Egg in a bottle and re-enact them with your kids (thanks Jason C!) Free
- Hunt down the Gumbo kitchen for authentic New Orleans food (thanks Barnaby G)! There are stacks of other food trucks circling Melbourne, such as the Taco Truck – check them all out at wherethetruck.at.
- Take them for Yum Cha in Chinatown, Preston or Box Hill. The Shark Fin Inn in Chinatown does a brilliant YC but there are plenty to choose from.
- Learn to skate at Icehouse in the Docklands (ages 5+)
- Play some black-light mini golf at glowgolf in the Docklands (ages 5+)
- Take them for some lollyology at Suga in Block Arcade (but only if you can handle the sugar rush/crash)
- Visit the Police Museum at the World Trade Centre (ages 7ish) Free
- Take them for a 5 minute helicopter joy-ride over Geelong (more exy than the others – $35 a pop).
- For thrillseekers, take them to the Edge (hell, they take us there often enough) on Level 88 of Eureka Skydeck (Kids may vomit. Parents may vomit.)
- Take them on the City Circle tram – appropriate for for younger kids (and a good way to see lots of tourist attractions) Free
Would love to hear from readers of any more wacky ideas!
A real pet peeve of mine is people who park in the middle of two parks, leaving maybe half-a-car space between the car at the back and the one in front of them. This seems to happen a lot outside school and it shits me to tears. I usually throw a greasy or two at the Offender, but there is clearly no acknowledgement that any misdemeanour has occurred.
It’s like they’re hedging their bets, or meandering around in their own little world where car parks aren’t precious and the school bell doesn’t ring at 3.30 on the dot and no-one is desperate to find a park.
On the plus side, I’ve become an epic reverse parker. Epic. People’s sphincters tighten when I’m reverse parking. Check it.
I hate it when that happens. The kid literally came out of nowhere. He lived across the road from the school, had been dropped off by his mum, decided he was going to just pop home for a cuppa (no, made that up), then decided to run across the road back to the school. He didn’t look for cars whatsoever, and by the time he got to the road had gotten a fair bit of speed on him.
He was lucky I saw him and braked when I did, as I got him on the far left of the bonnet and just kinda pushed him onto the road. He had a bad scrape on his face, but he was otherwise unhurt, lucky bastard. I got out of the car (stopped in the middle of the road, which made me a lot of school mum friends) and was screaming (ahem, no, I was in perfect control of my banshee-chords) where was his MUM!!!
Another mum came across the dastardly scene, knew who he was and where he lived, so we both delivered him home to a very shaken parent (clearly not me).
After the incident, my heart returned to its normal rate and I checked that there were no preppie marks on the bonnet. All clear. Preppies and cars just do not mix, people.