Today’s #laughlink is brought to you by a witchypoo, a rock star and a passionate Geelong Supporter. No wait, make that a Hawthorn supporter. Or is that a…no? Oh, I give up.
1. It isn’t the end of the world if your child barracks for a different footy team.
It may be an inauspicious omen for the zombie apocalypse, but not officially the end of the world.
2. Nothing is sacred.
If your daughter wakes up in the morning, sniffs you and says, “you smell”, you probably do. And there’s no hiding from it.
3. Putting salt and pepper in the water you put your lost teeth into apparently means more cashola from the Tooth Fairy.
I’m thinking this also might work for my dentures when I’m in my 90s. Pay it forward, kiddies, pay it forward.
4. Just because it’s freezing outside, doesn’t mean you can’t wear only a singlet, a nappy and some gum boots.
5. Halloween is not just a cool John Carpenter film from the 80s.
We never really celebrated Halloween before the kids came along, but the way they’ve embraced ugly-pretty has to be seen to be believed.
6. Every house should be sold with three washing machines, two dishwashers and a dumb waiter.
A maid would be nice, too.
7. Every song about sleep (and not getting any) was written by kids about kids.
When people told me to lap up my sleep before I had kids, I laughed. I scoffed, thinking “how hard could it be?” 8 years later I’m still a para-insomniac, the residue from years of not getting quite enough sleep. Sleep like a baby, MY ARSE. They’re feeding us LIES, people. Don’t give the children a violin and ask them to compose a lullaby, ever. EVER!
8. It’s not just babies and old people who have weak pelvic floors.
9. Even when you don’t believe in yourself, your kids will always believe in you.
It’s the unfailing awe of their parents—that we are the most inspiring and capable people on the planet. I’ve heard this stage lasts until your kids turn roughly 12, then it all falls to shit and you go from knowing everything to knowing nothing (blind faith resurfaces sometime in their 30s I think, if you play your cards right).
10. You’ll never (ever) be as big a rock star as you can be in your own lounge room.
My girls and I love a good rock-out in the living room. We channel what can only be described as Lorde meets Eminem meets Thom Yorke and no-one can beat our moves. No-one! NO-ONE M*THAF*CKAS*!
* Pardon my french, but I don’t mean you, of course.