Smiths Crisps. Coming between family members since 1931.
My mum distrusted anyone who gave her a hug on first meeting.
I remember an interaction she had with one of my besties at Uni. It was 1992 and Mum was visiting me from the sprawling metropolis of Hervey Bay. At the time I was staying with some dear friends in their place along Sir Fred Schonell Drive. Mum knocked on the door, my friend opened it and gave her a gigantic hug. This friend was simply stoked to be meeting my mum (although some “loving” substances may have been involved).
From that day forward, my mum has always maintained that she didn’t trust this friend, and didn’t “get” why she would want to embrace someone she’d never met.
I thought the reaction was extreme (particularly the longevity of it) but I understand the sentiment. It was the umbrella that I was brought up under. My mum and dad weren’t undemonstrative within the family unit but I remember being young and having a hard time with showing affection. I probably came off as cold and standoffish. Not because I had an undiagnosed superiority complex (no, that came much later), but because I was raised to respect boundaries, almost to the exclusion of demonstrating love at the risk of putting someone off or, GASP, being rejected.
I don’t know at what point my attitude changed. The soft pillow of booze and recreational substances in my 20s may have triggered something special. If I’ve met you once and like you I’ll hug you the second time (look out, DPCon Artists!). But the Ghost of Awkwardness Past is still a lingering presence. If one of my friends is having a rough time, my instinct is to hug the life out of them. I want my dudes to know I’m there for them whatever the circumstances, but once my brain has had a chance to analyse the situation, the embrace comes out as some kind of bizarre and diluted arm around the shoulders. Some days I wish I could be the kind of person that throws affection into the wind and expects people to catch it. I watch strangers, female friends walking down the street hand in hand and wonder if I could ever do that and not feel uncomfortable.
I am all over my kids like a red hot rash with hugs, kisses, love. I still struggle with it outside the home. Where love is not necessarily unconditional. It’s a tough message to teach kids. Be demonstrative, but value others’ personal space. Respect boundaries.
Keep warm. But don’t get burnt.
Damn. And now I’m even more bummed I don’t get to throw you into an awkward moment at DPCON13 to bring out your G.A.P.!!!! Truth be told, if I haven’t hugged you on the first meeting, I don’t hug you ever. It’s a weird but true fact – it’s like my body gets programmed that very moment and I find it hard to hug if I’ve not hugged you from the start. I think blogging has thrown my radar off because I hug familiars, see, and bloggers I read feel like familiars to me!
Ha ha! You are so right about the blogger throwing off your radar – I think I’ve given bloggers I’ve interacted with online a huge hug when I’ve first met them because, you know, I KNOW them. I don’t, but it feels like they’re an old friend. I try to suss out whether a hug is appropriate when I first meet a fellow blogger, though. Not everyone is into it, I suppose.
Sorry I won’t be meeting you at DPCon – I do hope you and your dad are doing OK. Kx
Oh your mum would have thought I was the sneakiest thing ever as I LOVE me a good hug. Even if I am meeting you for the first time, I always hug
xx
You see, I wish I were more like you, Son! I envy people who can do that. Kx
I think it’s got to come naturally or not at all. There are some people I’m okay with hugging, others that I’ve known for years and love to death but would never hug!
I am a hugger. I know it’s not for everyone, so I am becoming more reserved.
Such a well-written post. Thanks for sharing.
I am so socially awkward it’s painful to watch. I’d love to hug friends but have no idea ‘how’. My poor kiddos on the other hand are always being squeezed, squished and kissed, poor buggers
Yeah, I’m not a hugger, even with good friends… I never initiate hugs, and I never look for hugs, and hugs from strangers are just plain weird… but if you’re my friend and want a hug, I’ll hug you back…
I hug and kiss and squeeze my toddler.. I’m also all over my husband ( when I get to see him ) I hug friends when they are sad or have good news. I like hugs when I’ve been alone for weeks and it just seems like work work work and no thank yous. I love the european double kiss on the cheeks as a greeting, I like affection.
I don’t really like hugs from people I just met, but it won’t be a deal breaker either. And since I have met more people over the internet sometimes a hug on the first ‘real life’ meeting seems appropriate! But also, I am so unsure and shy I sometimes fail to say the things I want to say yet alone show the affection I feel.
X
This sounds like me! Did I give you a hug when we first met? I can’t remember! If not, I’m sorry, if I did, I’m sorry! Kx
I’m a selective hugger and I’m ok with that! I generally don’t feel comfortable “going the hug” until I’ve known someone long enough to be sure that it won’t make them uncomfortable. But when it comes to the kids all hugging rules go out the window as we are a very touchy feely affectionate family!
Your upbringing sounds very familiar. My mum is, and never has been, a hugger. I’ve always felt loved, we are just not the type to shower each other with affection.
Because of this, I’ve really never been a hugger either. If I’m totally honest, I actually feel quite awkward with the ‘hug and air kiss’ greet, which I am occasionally given by friends, and always given my my in-laws. It just doesn’t sit right with me – although I’ve never been brave (or stupid) enough to say anything at the risk of offending.
Funny thing is though, now I’m a Mumma, I cannot get, or give, enough hugs to my {little} Big Girl. And the Husband gets his fair share too. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand it, but I accept that this is just the way it is.
Dude, I’m now the Air Kiss queen – somehow I’ve been using it as the filler between not knowing someone at all and knowing them really well. It’s not a handshake, but it’s not a mauling either. It’s so so tricky! You’ve got to have your radar on, but sometimes mine only gets the AM frequency. Kx
I can be an awkward hugger at times, but have become better as it as I’ve grown older & in confidence. Your mum’s reaction does seem a little OTT, but if from her perspective hugger is just for people close to her, than I kind of understand where she was coming from. Looking forward to meeting you at DPCON! Fi xxx