This quote from Top Gun encapsulates how I don’t fundamentally understand 2 things: Craft and Tom Cruise.
The latter is just too hard to bear, how someone so unspeakably hot in 1985 could buy a one way bus ticket to Creepsville, vying for back-seat heavy with Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford.
It’s the former I’m exploring here today. Let me get this out of the way early – am I insane or is there a disproportionate number of “mummy bloggers (god help me)” who are also crafty geniuses? I seem to encounter a lot of blogs dedicated to sewing, crochet, knitting and other forms of needlework in wonderful saturated tones that make me want to gush and swoon, but the thought of actually being able to produce it is, well, anathema to me.
Perhaps I’m still recovering from the early 80s when my mum packed me off to do a Knitwit course, clearly the craft de jour in Newcastle back in the day. The poor woman was probably mortified at being forced to bring up a child so recalcitrant in the Ways of the Needle. The same woman who sewed most of our clothes as kids, but sewed them so expertly we weren’t even embarrassed to wear them. Who does that ever? This in itself is genius. She made every. single. one. of our Book Week costumes, meticulously. I buy Scout’s costumes at Kmart. Case in point the above Rapunzel outfit. OK, I made the plaits, but only because I was determined to SUCCEED. It was my concession to wannabe crafty ways that don’t even exist. Sometimes I feel like Scout and Inky are missing out, but then I remember that they are the benefactors of my cutting wit and intellect. Oh, and my humility.
I completed the Fuckwit, sorry, Knitwit course and actually produced a rather lovely top and skirt if I remember, but the process was so fucking painful I wanted to put my hand through the sewing machine just to remind myself I was still alive. I could do it, but I remember having to fend off the Hounds of Hell trying to work out how the pocket was meant to sit on the inside of the skirt. I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS. It does my head in just thinking about it. I just wish I could stitch the entire Butterick how-to guide into my brain and be done with it.
When Scout started at school, I fell in with some tops ladies who all crafted. They were/are amazing at it. Truly. I even attended a couple of Stitch ‘n’ Bitch sessions where, in the absence of an identifiable craft, I was there to bitch, but ended up failing at that as well (who knew?) I knitted the crap out of a few little colourful swatches with the intention of making a quilt for Inky out of them. I calculated (because this is something I can do) that I would need at least 80 of these swatches. Um yeah hi, NO. To add insult to injury, I went to take a photo of them for this post, only to discover that my casting off was so abominable, they’d all completely unravelled.
One lovely crafty Friday afternoon in anticipation of a Mother’s Day stall, my friend “E” was kind enough to teach me how to knit a really easy rosette to put on a pin. Really easy she says. As really easy as lining up 6 atoms along a fence and attempting to piss them down. She lost me at “drop every second stitch.” I didn’t produce a single rosette.
I like shit quick and dirty (that didn’t sound so bad, did it?). It’s why I love photography – it doesn’t take much to get the basics before you can frame a scene and push a freaking button and voila! ART! Yes, I know it’s more complicated than that, but at the same time, it’s not. Not to me anyway.
So what is it with all these crafty blogs? Were the bloggers crafty people before becoming mums, or did they get themselves a craft once they became mums? Are crafty people just more likely to have kids? I REALLY NEED TO KNOW IF I’M AN ABOMINATION. And while you’re at it, can someone tell me what the F*ck happened to Tom Cruise?